| HUSBAND & WIFE
This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says, "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs. The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge. The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't need to keep sleeping with your brother." |
| CHEATING
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you." |
| A MAN & A PUNK
This elderly gentleman enters a baseball stadium and sits down on his seat. About five minutes later a young punk rocker enters the area. He has spiked hair sticking straight up and is colored with like yellow, blue, red and green (You got the picture, right?) Anyway he sits down about five seats in front of where the elderly gentleman is sitting. The elderly gentleman can't stop staring at this punk rocker. After a few minutes the punk rocker turns around and says to the old man "Are you looking at me?"... The old man says "As a matter of fact I am!" The punk rocker says "Well, don't bother me!" The old man says " You know something... "When I was your age I was in Vietnam"... "So...what do you want... a medal?!" says the punk rocker. "No" said the old man, "In Vietnam, in the jungle at night we all did some crazy things... One night I fucked a parrot.....and I was just wondering if you were my son...!" |
| A DIAMOND NECKLACE
One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper." Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!" He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!" |
| LITTLE LUCY
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy". "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for God to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven". Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened, the father shook the girl and shouted, "What do you mean Lucy? Tell daddy!" "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!' and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy". |
| WAR IS WAR
Once at the time of the world war, the Germans were looting all villages, of food, wine and women. Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had a 90 year old grandmother. So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside. "Bring us some food!" they demanded. The young man said, "But I have only half a loaf of bread." "War is War, bring us the food!" So he gives his last morsel of food. "Bring us some wine!" "But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!" "War is War, bring us the wine!" So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them. "Now, bring us a woman!" "But everyone has left the village. The only female presence here is my 90 year old grandmother!!" "War is War, bring her to us!" The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say, "We'll let you off this time.'" Granny says, "The hell you will, War is War!!" |
| SPEEDING ALONG
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells. |
| $200
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings. She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?" The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want." So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one." Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and the guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together." Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look. A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" |
| A WEEK IN HELL
A guy died and woke up to find he was in Hell. He was really depressed as he stood in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thought to himself, "I know I led a wild life, but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he saw that it was his turn to be processed into Hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walked up to the counselor. The counselor said, "What's the problem, you look depressed?" The man responded, "Well, what do you think? I'm in Hell." The counselor said, "Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?" The man said, "Sure, I love to drink." The counselor replied, "Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?" The man said, "Yes, as a matter of fact I do." The counselor replied, "You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?" The man said, "Well in my younger days I experimented a little; never inhaled." The counselor replied, "You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?" The man said, "Yes, I love to gamble." The counselor replied, "You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night--black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?" The man said, "Well, no I'm not." The counselor replied, "Oh, Fridays then, uh, will certainly be a new experience for you..." |
| ACTING HIS AGE
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker, the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says. "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds." |
| SAVING MONEY
There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do so. One day they came up with an idea--each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 bill into a piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy. But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills." The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?" |
| CONDOMS
A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...." |
| FUNNY STORIES
There was a reporter in Norway assigned to do a story about the people who lived in the mountains. He saw an old man who was fishing near a fjord. He asked the old man to tell him a funny story in his life. The old man thought for a couple of seconds and replied, "Once my neighbor lost one of his sheep. So me and a couple of men from the village got together, got some moonshine, and went out looking for the sheep. We finally found the sheep, drank the moonshine, got drunk, and ended up screwing the sheep." The reporter thought to himself, "I can't put that in the paper." So the reporter asked the old man if he had another story. The old man thought for a couple of seconds then replied, "My neighbor's wife once got lost, so me and a couple of men from the village got together, got some moonshine, and went looking for my neighbor's wife. We finally found his wife, drank the moonshine, got drunk, and ended up screwing his wife." The reporter said to the old man, "I can't put either of those stories into the paper. Do you have another story, maybe a sad story?" The old man thought for a couple of seconds and then replied, "Once, I got lost..." |
| HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW?
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?" "No," she replied excitedly. "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!" |
| THE ASTRONAUTS
Two astronauts, a man and a woman, were on a mission to go to Mars and make contact with intelligent life. Once there, they met a male and a female Martian. Through sign language, they learned that the Martians wanted to have sex with them. So, in the name of science, the woman goes away with the male, and the man goes away with the female. The woman takes off her clothes, and the Martian takes off his. But he has a very small penis. Noticing her bemused look, the Martian signs: "Do you want me to make it bigger?" She nods yes, so he twists his right ear and his dick gets longer. They start fucking, and they are both starting to moan and groan. After they are really getting into it, the Martian asks: "Do you want me to make it fatter?" She says yes and the Martian twists his left ear and his dick gets fatter. It was the best sex she had ever had. Afterwards, she meets back with her fellow astronaut and says, "Well how was yours? Mine was absolutely fantastic." The male astronaut says: "Pretty good. The chick had the biggest tits I have ever seen and she was absolutely wild, but she damn near twisted my fucking ears off. |
| TATOO
My friend got a tattoo of a one hundred dollar bill on his dick for three reasons. First, he likes to play with money. Second, he likes to see money grow. Last, he knows no woman would give up a chance to have a hundred dollars. |
| PABOO
3 Men are walking through the jungle when they are captured by native tribesmen. The tribesmen take the men back to camp and present them to the chief. The chief says to the first man "Paboo or die", to this the man replies "well I'm too young to die, I'll have Paboo" so the tribesmen all rush him to an empty hut and take it in turns to fuck his arse. He walks out clutching his arse and crawls out the gate. The chief says again to the second man "Paboo or die". The man having seen the state of his friend on departure reluctantly says "Paboo" and the tribesmen take him to the hut and start to rape his arse. He also walks out clutching his arse and screaming in pain. The chief then says to the final man "Paboo or die". The man stands up, spits on the chief and says I ain't no fucking queer I'll die like a man'. To this the chief shouts "Death, by Paboo" |
| HEALTH PLAN
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan." |
| MILKMAN
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning." |
| THE PERFECT MAN
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... "Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed." She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?" |
| JUMP! On the night of graduation, a father approached his son and asked him, "Son, now that you finished high school, what are you going to do with your life?" The son replied, "I think I am going to join the peace corps." "That's wonderful, I was in the peace corps when I was your age. I found it rather fulfilling." A couple of years went by and the son came home from the peace corps. The father asked the son, "Now that you have helped out in the peace corps, what are you going to do?" The son replied, "I am going to join the marines." The father's eyes lit up with amazement. "I am so proud of you son. I went into the Marines, too. It taught me discipline, and most of all, respect for myself. Son, in all my years of being your father, you have never disappointed me yet." The son left for boot camp a couple of weeks later, where he was put through some of the most rigorous training of his life. One of the last phases of his training included jumping out of an airplane. This frightened him to no end. He decided to give his father a call, telling him how scared he was, and his father told him not to worry, everyone would be scared. A couple of weeks went by and the son came home from basic. The father noticed his son's behavior had changed. He was sullen. "What's wrong son? Tell me what's on your mind. Nothing you can say will disappoint me. I am very proud of you." "You might want to sit down for this dad," the son said. "The day we were up on the plane ready to jump I was the last one. I got up to the door and I couldn't do it!" exclaimed the boy. "My drill sergeant looked at me and yelled, 'Soldier, if you don't jump out of this plane this damn instant, I am going to stick my big hairy pecker up your little ass!'" The fathers eyes widened when he asked, "Well did you jump?" The son replied, "Only at first." |
| -Row 20, Cell 1- |
| -Row 15, Cell 1- |
| -Row 16, Cell 1- |
| -Row 17, Cell 1- |
| -Row 18, Cell 1- |
| -Row 19, Cell 1- |
| -Row 20, Cell 1- |